Real Talk: Depression


Everyone's depression is different, in my opinion, so what I'm going to say about mine is in no way a blanket statement about all those who suffer from depression. Just wanted to put that disclaimer out there first.

I didn't post anything last week. I debated on posting anything this week, but felt I should explain myself.

I thought about lying and just saying I'm super busy and need to catch up.

The honest truth is that I was hit with a serious bought of depression. I've struggled with depression since I was a little kid. In my early stages of puberty, when I was still very young, the dark thoughts began. In my teen years, things got really bad and I had to go to see a few psychiatrists and get on medication. The anti-depressants I was taking caused my hands to shake and me to be super jittery, so my doctor prescribed anti-axiety medicine to counteract those side-effects. In hindsight, that was probably a red flag because she didn't just switch my medicine.

I stopped taking all my meds by the end of high school. I didn't like how I felt on them, and they just turned me into a shaking, overly talkative, numb person. My hands still shake to this day, and I'm 31 now. I'm pretty sure they always will.

Things mellowed out for me and I began to be able to see a correlation between my hormonal cycle and my depression. The week before my period and the week of, I would be an emotional wreck. I don't mean that I just wanted to sit around and have a "good cry" I mean that I would get suicidal sometimes. I called this other version of myself the "dark woman-child". With my years of therapy and a strong support system, I was able to work through these times. As I realized this connection, I was also able to self-support and keep myself from taking things too far by telling myself I just had to make it through these two weeks. If things didn't start to feel better, then I would seek outside help. Every time, things got better.

That's not to say that I only get hit with depression during my menstrual cycle. When things go bad in my life, not always actual "tragedies" but things that would just bum a more balanced person out, also throw me into these dark places of my mind. However, it is the hormonally induced ones that always hit me hard and without warning. Well, I mean, there is a warning if I look at my period tracking app, but I usually only do that after I'm two days into the depression.

This last time, it didn't end. Not really. Things got better and my world wasn't on the verge of breaking any more, however, the apathy and lethargy that come with depression stayed behind. The thought of going to work made me want to cry. Every time I went to go work on Lazy Lady posts, I couldn't bring myself to get off the couch. Instagram challenge? Nope. What's the point of posting pictures of this pathetic life I'm living at the moment?  Work on LV Book Design promotions and new covers for the shop? What's the point; it was foolish of me to ever try to start my own business in the first place. The dark thoughts wouldn't sit with me like depression, but they had its distinct tinge to them. Mr. LL tried to help me, but I knew what was going on and knew that it wasn't really something he could help with; however, knowing that he was there and wanting to help really was the best thing he could've done for me. It really helped to keep the depression from taking foothold in my brain again. Plus, he would get me ice cream. Which is nice.

To be honest, Mr. LL and I playing PokemonGo has been my saving grace. It's gotten me out of the house and out of my head for hours on end each day. I'm not back to 100%, not even close. But the fact that I could bring myself to sit at my computer and even write about this, even just a little bit, is huge progress for me right now.

I've taken down my design packages over at LV Book Design for now. I need to rework them anyway, but also, I'm not in the right headspace to take on new clients. I have one client I'm working with right now and I'm just working on stuff I've already done for him (reformatting things for his printer).

I need to figure out what's going on in my head/life that is keeping me down. I need to take some time to evaluate things in my life and get my head on straight. I need make some changes. And so, as much as I hate to stop blogging in the middle of a cleaning challenge, I'm taking a break. I'll finish up Baby Steps: Part Two when I make my return. At the moment I have every intention of making a return. This is just a mental health break. I don't have a timeline, nor am I going to try to give myself one.

I hope you understand.